relief

[lilamp]

today was pretty good. no anxiety! yay! could the buspirone be helping already? i'm actually cheerful this evening... it was so nice to go through a whole day without being all agitated and having twinges of gutwrenching anxiety washing over me periodically. i got a lot done at work, caught up on the backlog of email i'd gotten way behind on answering for one thing. went to the gym and just did cardio and a little bit of bouldering. morley and ian were supposed to show up for climbing but didn't, but i left shortly after they were going to be there anyway, b/c i was tired and hungry and wanted to get some laundry done tonight (which i did, woo). last night was hot tub and backrubs which was much appreciated, although goodness knows i could use more massaging. maybe i'll drop by elephant tomorrow after work and get lucky enough to find a chair massager there... talked to a friend on the phone tonight who's having a hard time. it sucks that i'm so bad at talking to people who are upset. what do you do after you've said all you know to say a hundred times over and the other person just keeps going back over and over the thoughts that are keeping them stuck in upsetness? it's so frustrating when someone is looking to you for help and comfort and you can't do anything to make it better for them. i have a very great appreciation for those people who have put up with me and comforted me and talked to me when i am depressed and crying and being hard on myself. :> it's a bit easier in person, because at least you can give someone a hug or just be there with them, but the phone is the suck. anyway, it is beddytime. this morning was super hard to get up again, even though i got plenty of sleep. here's hoping tomorrow morning is easier...

Comments

[censorydep.livejournal.com]

I am glad you are feeling better!

Having been the recipient of many phone calls like that, I can tell you that often the person isn't necessarily looking for resolution or solutions. The process of talking through their thoughts (even over and over in circles) can be healing in and of itself. It is very difficult though. I am definitely a "fixer", and have to work very hard not to jump in every time with my "perfect" solution, assuming I have one.

Hope things continue to progress! Perhaps we will finally have a chance at that massage over the weekend, assuming you will be at the party Saturday.

[lilamp]

yesh, i will be chez schneider tomorrow, whee.

as far as those phone calls go, it's hard b/c i don't have the patience to go over and over the same shit with someone while i'm feeling like i'm not doing any good. i certainly am more familiar with the other side of such conversations, so i understand what it feels like for them and how hard it is to get your mind out of those cycles that are keeping you stuck in feeling bad, but where does that leave me? i end up feeling guilty for resenting the other person's demands on my time when it doesn't feel like i'm doing any good. i think it would be different if i felt like i was helping at all? i dunno. i'm just not very good at being supportive of other people, and it's easy for me to start feeling resentful when it's a situation where i don't feel like i can turn and lean on that person when i need help, b/c they aren't strong enough to be supportive of me at all. i do care about them a great deal, and i wish i could help them more, but i feel like i've done pretty much all i can and they need to find their own path now, so i'm loathe to dump too much energy into talking to them. in times past i spent untold energy there... complex emotions, yar.

[censorydep.livejournal.com]

whee!!

Yeah, all of that makes a pretty big difference, especially not being able to lean on them in return and the fact that you have poured energy into them previously. Good luck handling that if it comes up again, sounds like quite the delicate situation...