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full of discontent
May. 29th, 2003 07:29 pmi currently only have access to let's say about half the internet. this would be fine if i could just choose it to be all the incredibly useless sites i would never want to visit, but no, it has to include places i need to get to every day. oh the anger.
this weather sucks. hot then cold. i need the sun.
i've been sick for a week now. after only two weeks since i was last sick. i can't take much more. how am i supposed to try to be happy when i can't even stay healthy? when i got back from my trip, i was feeling so good about myself physically, i was healthy and on my way to getting fit. and now i feel worse than ever about my body. even after working out regularly for months and trying to watch what i'm eating, no progress. i feel like the patch pushed me over some line i just can't get back from...
i broke down yesterday about the job thing. i went to a temp agency in downtown oakland for an interview, then got waxed (not something i should really be spending money on i guess, but i already bought the series...) power outages made traffic in berkeley quite the joy. power was back on by the time i got home, but my net issues continued. after a failed aim attempt, geoff called me, and i'm not even sure why/how, but i ended up a total mess, sobbing about not being able to get a job, not knowing what to do. having people on soda tell me i shouldn't be trying to under-employ myself with admin work, but not even being able to get that. i have practically no experience and am up against god knows how many people who have exactly what employers are looking for, why should they bother to look at me? just because i claim i'm reasonably intelligent and can pick stuff up quickly? i couldn't even get a job on my own back in the day when they were handing them out to allcomers like candy, and now nobody i know has anywhere to get me in. everything feels like such a struggle to me, i just don't know how to deal with it. i don't know why i can't just be responsible for my own life and get things done. i hate depression. i hate feeling so helpless and pathetic and crying all the time and not being able to get myself to do anything useful. i hate that my problems are stupid and petty and all in my own head and that that makes me feel even worse about myself. hate hate hate. i want to be well and i want the sun to come back, and i want life not to feel so hard, damnit.
this weather sucks. hot then cold. i need the sun.
i've been sick for a week now. after only two weeks since i was last sick. i can't take much more. how am i supposed to try to be happy when i can't even stay healthy? when i got back from my trip, i was feeling so good about myself physically, i was healthy and on my way to getting fit. and now i feel worse than ever about my body. even after working out regularly for months and trying to watch what i'm eating, no progress. i feel like the patch pushed me over some line i just can't get back from...
i broke down yesterday about the job thing. i went to a temp agency in downtown oakland for an interview, then got waxed (not something i should really be spending money on i guess, but i already bought the series...) power outages made traffic in berkeley quite the joy. power was back on by the time i got home, but my net issues continued. after a failed aim attempt, geoff called me, and i'm not even sure why/how, but i ended up a total mess, sobbing about not being able to get a job, not knowing what to do. having people on soda tell me i shouldn't be trying to under-employ myself with admin work, but not even being able to get that. i have practically no experience and am up against god knows how many people who have exactly what employers are looking for, why should they bother to look at me? just because i claim i'm reasonably intelligent and can pick stuff up quickly? i couldn't even get a job on my own back in the day when they were handing them out to allcomers like candy, and now nobody i know has anywhere to get me in. everything feels like such a struggle to me, i just don't know how to deal with it. i don't know why i can't just be responsible for my own life and get things done. i hate depression. i hate feeling so helpless and pathetic and crying all the time and not being able to get myself to do anything useful. i hate that my problems are stupid and petty and all in my own head and that that makes me feel even worse about myself. hate hate hate. i want to be well and i want the sun to come back, and i want life not to feel so hard, damnit.
