full of discontent

[lilamp]

i currently only have access to let's say about half the internet. this would be fine if i could just choose it to be all the incredibly useless sites i would never want to visit, but no, it has to include places i need to get to every day. oh the anger.

this weather sucks. hot then cold. i need the sun.

i've been sick for a week now. after only two weeks since i was last sick. i can't take much more. how am i supposed to try to be happy when i can't even stay healthy? when i got back from my trip, i was feeling so good about myself physically, i was healthy and on my way to getting fit. and now i feel worse than ever about my body. even after working out regularly for months and trying to watch what i'm eating, no progress. i feel like the patch pushed me over some line i just can't get back from...

i broke down yesterday about the job thing. i went to a temp agency in downtown oakland for an interview, then got waxed (not something i should really be spending money on i guess, but i already bought the series...) power outages made traffic in berkeley quite the joy. power was back on by the time i got home, but my net issues continued. after a failed aim attempt, geoff called me, and i'm not even sure why/how, but i ended up a total mess, sobbing about not being able to get a job, not knowing what to do. having people on soda tell me i shouldn't be trying to under-employ myself with admin work, but not even being able to get that. i have practically no experience and am up against god knows how many people who have exactly what employers are looking for, why should they bother to look at me? just because i claim i'm reasonably intelligent and can pick stuff up quickly? i couldn't even get a job on my own back in the day when they were handing them out to allcomers like candy, and now nobody i know has anywhere to get me in. everything feels like such a struggle to me, i just don't know how to deal with it. i don't know why i can't just be responsible for my own life and get things done. i hate depression. i hate feeling so helpless and pathetic and crying all the time and not being able to get myself to do anything useful. i hate that my problems are stupid and petty and all in my own head and that that makes me feel even worse about myself. hate hate hate. i want to be well and i want the sun to come back, and i want life not to feel so hard, damnit.

Comments

[alanablue.livejournal.com]

*snugs*
i have that job thing coming up too so I sort of understand where you are at.
letsee i'm desperate enough for internet that I'm using the terminals at the club in order to be online cause I am in the same boat with the broken internet thing.
Best of luck.

[valdelane.livejournal.com]

Don't take this as trivializing your current challenges at all... but there is a tone and rhythm in your postings that feel quite familiar -- the amplification of shame and looping despair in particular. Are you being kind to your neurotransmitters? Considering adjustment of them? It sure made the world of difference for me (along with good therapy, of course).

[lilamp]

well, i've been trying to go the physical well-being + therapy route. i think regular exercise might help enough to make it manageable. but if not i haven't ruled out meds...

[valdelane.livejournal.com]

Are you going to Ray & Elf's wedding this weekend? If so, and if you'd like to talk...

[zare-k.livejournal.com]

I guess I don't have much constructive to say except that I completely sympathize with how demoralizing unemployment can be. It's not a sign of failure on your part, or that you can't be responsible about your life... seeing so many smarter and more experienced people than I also in the same boat finally convinced me of that, although it didn't make me feel any more optimistic about my prospects. Bleh. But I did end up finding a job, finally, albeit in an unexpected way.

Re the patch: that could well be the culprit, since hormonal birth control is often associated with weight gain (and also sometimes with depresion). Maybe trying a different formulation/method could be helpful, if you think there is a connection.

*hugs* Good luck.

[lilamp]

oh i scrapped the patch after only a month and a half. i've heard other people say when they started on a new hormone mix it may have had pretty difficult effects at first but then it settled down and was fine, but the patch had me way too crazy to deal with. after the first month i thought i'd stay with it for a little while and see if it got better, but after another week of patch there was just no way. that was about 2.5 months ago. :)

dont' you ever read my posts anymore?

[oryp.livejournal.com]

*crying*

Re: dont' you ever read my posts anymore?

[lilamp]

i do! religiously!

last week i actually did request the information packet from an egg donation service. you don't have to have been pregnant before, but you do have to be totally drug free. that includes no nicotine for at least three months. damn you, paul!

oh ok

[oryp.livejournal.com]

i'm crying a bit less now.

sniff.

but i hear that egg thing is super painful. when was the last time you did nicotine? i thought you would do pot before nicotine.

Re: oh ok

[lilamp]

a couple weeks ago. paul and i have this television + sake + death habit going. we're watching 24 now.