inspired by morley's craving the other day, i have thrown together a tuna noodle casserole. it's not bad, but way too salty. shouldn't have added the soy sauce. alas.
when i'm at the gym doing cardio and watching people climb, i am sometimes amazed at how much i want it. i want to be able to do this thing. i want it so much i can taste it. i don't want to be amazing at it, i just want to feel comfortable with it, in tune with it. with my body. i want to be outside in the beautiful places in the world, moving, light and lithe, at once completely dwarfed by and at one with the universe, being challenged and thrilled and awed by the beauty of things. i want to be leading, myself in my own hands, gaining physical and emotional heights never before imagined. i can almost feel the wind in my hair, the rush of adrenaline, the tears of joy. i feel a keen longing, the pang of desire in my heart. i can do this, i have to. i need this.
i wish i could make geoff understand how i see climbing. his idealistic philosophy is not very forgiving, but i believe that it would be able to get along fine with mine if only i could show him... i guess i need to get good enough first that he will be able to see past my awkwardness and low self-esteem and my lack of ability to not compare myself to others. (shut up, ben, i'll split my infinitive if i damn well please.) i'm so impatient and easily frustrated. i'm going to the gym more regularly than i ever have before, but my female body is in an aging revolt, suddenly slowed metabolism apparently accompanying the new pms. i haven't changed my eating habits, yet despite all the exercise, i seem to be getting progressively fatter. ideally i should lose about 20 lbs, and i guess i'll have to address my diet in order to accomplish this. all my life i've struggled with my body image (like any american girl, eh), and i was finally pretty ok with where i was at, and my weight was extremely stable no matter how i ate. deciding to really make changes in my diet is a huge mental hurdle for me... i just can't accept that i'm not losing fat with the amount of exercise i'm doing. i think i'm just not going to worry about it until the end of the year, keep exercising as much as i can, and start making some changes come january. hopefully by then i'll be better equipped to deal with things emotionally as well.
talked to my mom yesterday and told her i was definitely not going to make thanksgiving, and about my situation (finally) and that i was seeking meds. of course her first reaction was "oh no meds are a tool of the man, haven't you heard all the horror stories" (not in so many words of course), but i explained to her that nobody was pushing them on me and that my therapist and i both believe that i don't need them long term but that they could be very useful for me right now in bringing the floor up so that i'm able to deal with things and make forward progress in therapy. i guess i'd been putting off really talking to her about how i'm doing. i figure it doesn't do much good to tell her? it just makes her feel sad and guilty and worried about me, and there's nothing she can do to help, so why burden her unnecessarily... tomorrow i get to see my doctor and find out if they'll be willing to prescribe for me. woo. and here it is late again, but i might actually make it to sleep by bedtime tonight. the last few days i've been feeling like i've been fighting off a cold, so getting enough sleep is definitely in order. i should remember that my body really doesn't like being assaulted by drugs and then not getting enough sleep to recover. normally this is an instant sick card, so i count myself lucky right now. i do wish i hadn't lost that day of productivity at work though, as i accomplished pretty much nothing while i was hungover. today wasn't too bad, although i spent too much time reading lj and not enough getting off my ass. makes me appreciate how good it is to have a job that actually makes me get up and do stuff that's not at the computer now and then, however annoying the interruptions may seem at the time.
now, sleep.
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