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when the emotion comes, it overwhelms me. i try to fight it but i feel helpless against it. my only options seem to be distraction or monologue. distraction can keep me together in the short term, but it is neglecting myself and can't be kept up without contributing to the chaos. the monologue is a descent into my own personal self-critical spiral of doom. i try try try to become more increasingly aware of when i'm feeding myself negative judgments, but when i stop and tell myself to cease and desist, then what? i fear being washed away, i doubt that there is any viable option other than distraction.
my crack dealer suggests that i try releasing my desperate grip on the banks and take a ride on the river of my sorrow. this deep river of sadness inside of me will lead somewhere, has things to show me. take a ride on the river, leaving the self-judgment behind, and just feel. whenever i've had enough and feel i need the distraction again, i can always pull up at the next dock. it's a cute metaphor.
it's true that i rarely just feel without the monologue. "why am i feeling this now, i should be able to deal with this, why am i so pathetic and stupid and oversensitive and weak..." i cling to my thinking mind with a desperate stubbornness. it's hard to let go and just feel. it seems strange that for all the emotion i struggle with, i am so out of touch with the core experience of the feelings. i am constantly at a loss to describe my feelings in any depth. it's as if i'm governed and affected by them, but don't have first-hand access to them.
i'm trying to decide whether to go through my insurance to see a shrink or to pay out of pocket. i almost had an appointment and then i started freaking out about the money involved. $200 for initial consult and $100 for followup appointments. that's a lot more than a $10 copay. my crack dealer is of the opinion that a psychiatric diagnosis is not a good thing to have in your medical records, not just for those who might be seeking public office or sainthood, but because it may make it more difficult to get health insurance in the future, and because privacy rights are quickly disappearing. i wonder if shrinks are more forgiving than other professionals of people who are flaky because they're freaking out.
my crack dealer suggests that i try releasing my desperate grip on the banks and take a ride on the river of my sorrow. this deep river of sadness inside of me will lead somewhere, has things to show me. take a ride on the river, leaving the self-judgment behind, and just feel. whenever i've had enough and feel i need the distraction again, i can always pull up at the next dock. it's a cute metaphor.
it's true that i rarely just feel without the monologue. "why am i feeling this now, i should be able to deal with this, why am i so pathetic and stupid and oversensitive and weak..." i cling to my thinking mind with a desperate stubbornness. it's hard to let go and just feel. it seems strange that for all the emotion i struggle with, i am so out of touch with the core experience of the feelings. i am constantly at a loss to describe my feelings in any depth. it's as if i'm governed and affected by them, but don't have first-hand access to them.
i'm trying to decide whether to go through my insurance to see a shrink or to pay out of pocket. i almost had an appointment and then i started freaking out about the money involved. $200 for initial consult and $100 for followup appointments. that's a lot more than a $10 copay. my crack dealer is of the opinion that a psychiatric diagnosis is not a good thing to have in your medical records, not just for those who might be seeking public office or sainthood, but because it may make it more difficult to get health insurance in the future, and because privacy rights are quickly disappearing. i wonder if shrinks are more forgiving than other professionals of people who are flaky because they're freaking out.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-14 03:17 pm (UTC)From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2003-10-14 03:57 pm (UTC)From:[my crack dealer suggests that i try releasing my desperate grip on the banks and take a ride on the river of my sorrow. ]...[whenever i've had enough and feel i need the distraction again, i can always pull up at the next dock. it's a cute metaphor.]
Based on my own experience, I frankly think this is a bad idea. It relies on the assumption that you can extract yourself from the river at will, which I think is not valid. For me at least, the quality of feeling in depression can be almost addictive. Sure, I feel like shit, but it becomes a comfortable, familiar kind of shit. I fear that if I don't maintain my objectivity, I will lose the ability to figure out that depression is not in fact a good place for me to be.
I guess it does depend a little on the situation though. If I feel depressed because of some isolatable cause-- say, the end of a relationship-- I tend to let myself ride with that and experience the emotions more directly, because I think it's more likely that I can learn something new from that and eventually make it out of the toxic stuff. But when I feel depressed "just because", I don't let myself go as far because I feel like I can't be as confident that I can pull myself out at will.
[it seems strange that for all the emotion i struggle with, i am so out of touch with the core experience of the feelings. i am constantly at a loss to describe my feelings in any depth.]
I've found journal writing to be very helpful for this. Once I allowed myself not to be so detached from my emotions (I too have a "why am i feeling this now, i should be able to deal with this, why am i so pathetic and stupid and oversensitive and weak..." mental tape loop), I found that writing specifically to an audience has helped me expand my emotional vocabulary and better articulate my internal processes. Also, it's cheaper than therapy. However, I don't consider it an acceptable substitute for talking with a professional. A good therapist can help you ask the right questions of yourself, and help you identify ways to make progress on your issues.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2003-10-14 03:59 pm (UTC)From:{{{hugs}}} Hang in there. I wish you the best with making your decision and being truly happy =) This morning they were working on the building of my apartment building...hammering away and using a jackhammer on the driveway...all before 8am. I laughed and thought of you (I hope they're all done with working on your place!).
xoxo