tardy meme propogation

according to the geek test, i am...

33.33333% - Total Geek

i'm not too much of a geek, but i also think it's kind of cool that i got a repeating decimal score, which is probably geeky.

on local minima

ok. so.

my therapist asked me to write about why it is easier/safer/more comfortable for me to stay in my depressed moods than to try to get out of them and how i can best define that feeling i get from being there...

it's not really a "comfortable" feeling, since it feels like crap, but i do get some sense of comfort from the familiarity of it... it certainly feels normal and kind of like home. i'm used to it. it has the feeling of safety you get from the known.

and of course it is muchly about inertia. although on some level it requires a lot of emotional energy to maintain the bitterness and negativity, it is on the whole a low-energy state for me, at least in the sense that when i'm there it seems like the activation energy required to get out of it is unattainable. and then there is the physical lack of energy that results from the depression. i mean, of course it's easier to sit and mope than to get up and try to do things, right?

and it is less risky. to take action means to risk failure. i'm pretty good at moping and self-deprecating. i have a lot of practice. i should listen to yoda, there is no try, only do. but for me there is no do without try and possibly fail.

also, to make an effort is to assume responsibility. responsibility for the state i'm in, responsibility for getting myself out of it, responsibility for (again) failure. "penalty, failure to win." part of the expectations i place on myself include that i ought to be able to be happy, that i don't really even have the right to be miserable and should be able to rise above it. i have no serious psychological trauma, no obviously way out of whack brain soup. i know that i have to take responsibility for my own happiness, but i'm loathe to risk it. taking responsibility is scary.

i know there is no easy solution. nobody is going to hand me a magic pill that will suddenly allow me to find myself, motivation, inspiration, creativity, happiness... but i'm lazy and afraid of hard work. i want an instant fix. am i afraid of hard work because the more effort the worse the possible failure, or am i just lazy?

i really wish i'd gone outside and enjoyed some of this beautiful day today.

argh

ok, so every time they turn the water off in my bldg, a bunch of crap comes through my bathroom pipes when it comes back on (not so much in the kitchen for whatever reason), kinda icky but just your average mineral whatever pipe buildup stuff i can deal with. the last two times, however, they've done some kind of work on the pipes that has resulted in a crapload of nastyass GREASE coming through the hot water pipes. THIS IS THE WATER I FUCKING BRUSH MY TEETH WITH. ugh ugh ugh nasty gross argh!