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taking a ride on the river of my sorrow
Oct. 13th, 2003 11:52 pmwhen the emotion comes, it overwhelms me. i try to fight it but i feel helpless against it. my only options seem to be distraction or monologue. distraction can keep me together in the short term, but it is neglecting myself and can't be kept up without contributing to the chaos. the monologue is a descent into my own personal self-critical spiral of doom. i try try try to become more increasingly aware of when i'm feeding myself negative judgments, but when i stop and tell myself to cease and desist, then what? i fear being washed away, i doubt that there is any viable option other than distraction.
my crack dealer suggests that i try releasing my desperate grip on the banks and take a ride on the river of my sorrow. this deep river of sadness inside of me will lead somewhere, has things to show me. take a ride on the river, leaving the self-judgment behind, and just feel. whenever i've had enough and feel i need the distraction again, i can always pull up at the next dock. it's a cute metaphor.
it's true that i rarely just feel without the monologue. "why am i feeling this now, i should be able to deal with this, why am i so pathetic and stupid and oversensitive and weak..." i cling to my thinking mind with a desperate stubbornness. it's hard to let go and just feel. it seems strange that for all the emotion i struggle with, i am so out of touch with the core experience of the feelings. i am constantly at a loss to describe my feelings in any depth. it's as if i'm governed and affected by them, but don't have first-hand access to them.
i'm trying to decide whether to go through my insurance to see a shrink or to pay out of pocket. i almost had an appointment and then i started freaking out about the money involved. $200 for initial consult and $100 for followup appointments. that's a lot more than a $10 copay. my crack dealer is of the opinion that a psychiatric diagnosis is not a good thing to have in your medical records, not just for those who might be seeking public office or sainthood, but because it may make it more difficult to get health insurance in the future, and because privacy rights are quickly disappearing. i wonder if shrinks are more forgiving than other professionals of people who are flaky because they're freaking out.
my crack dealer suggests that i try releasing my desperate grip on the banks and take a ride on the river of my sorrow. this deep river of sadness inside of me will lead somewhere, has things to show me. take a ride on the river, leaving the self-judgment behind, and just feel. whenever i've had enough and feel i need the distraction again, i can always pull up at the next dock. it's a cute metaphor.
it's true that i rarely just feel without the monologue. "why am i feeling this now, i should be able to deal with this, why am i so pathetic and stupid and oversensitive and weak..." i cling to my thinking mind with a desperate stubbornness. it's hard to let go and just feel. it seems strange that for all the emotion i struggle with, i am so out of touch with the core experience of the feelings. i am constantly at a loss to describe my feelings in any depth. it's as if i'm governed and affected by them, but don't have first-hand access to them.
i'm trying to decide whether to go through my insurance to see a shrink or to pay out of pocket. i almost had an appointment and then i started freaking out about the money involved. $200 for initial consult and $100 for followup appointments. that's a lot more than a $10 copay. my crack dealer is of the opinion that a psychiatric diagnosis is not a good thing to have in your medical records, not just for those who might be seeking public office or sainthood, but because it may make it more difficult to get health insurance in the future, and because privacy rights are quickly disappearing. i wonder if shrinks are more forgiving than other professionals of people who are flaky because they're freaking out.
